My Friendship Journey

I had the privilege of sharing with our women's group this past Friday.  What follows is my testimony.  A testimony six years in the making. 

AS many of you know, I am not a native of South Carolina.  My family moved down to Fort Mill six years ago from a little village in MI called Baroda.  It was so tiny, the main street had a dead end. I still have the occasional thought when I see someone who looks familiar…do I know them from SC or MI?  I can’t imagine what people must think who’ve lived all over the world. 

When we moved, I wouldn’t describe myself as particularly outgoing.  I mean, I was leader of our church’s women’s ministry; but, the church had 120 people max, and I’d been going there for 7 years. I do not naturally go up to people I do not know and initiate conversation.  I struggle with small talk.  It’s something I’ve been working on.  How wonderful that my Heavenly Father saw fit to stretch me in this area and move me 752 miles away from the only home I’d known to a place where I didn’t know anyone.

My loves Early Fall 2010. We landed in SC January 1, 2011.

Well, to be fair, I had Al and the kids, who were 10, 7, 4 and almost 2. The Lord also moved down a family we knew from my husband’s work.  We got together about once a year, and we became much closer in the months that would follow.  So, I had one friend.

I did notice early on that my friend set very clear boundaries. I have a tendency to hold on very tightly.  It’s no wonder, since I felt like such a small fish in a very large lake.  At first, when she began to pull back (lovingly) I was confused and a little hurt.  What had happened was I wanted to get together ALL the time.  I was putting too much pressure on her to meet my needs of friendship. Now, I understand her pull back and I respect her for it and I learned that it’s ok to place boundaries.

 We need to be very careful that we aren’t putting pressure on people to meet our needs.  There is one person who can meet all our needs, and that’s Jesus Christ.  That’s where our identity needs to come from. 

I learned that one early in my marriage to Al. I would ask him to tell me he’d never leave me (I was 21 and had abandonment issues), he’d balk.  He’d say, "I can’t promise you tomorrow.  I will let you down, but, there is one who will never let you down, and that’s Jesus Christ."  Man, that would tee me off. So, after I pitched a fit, I sat there and I got personal with Jesus.  I learned that my identity was more than being Al’s wife.  See, I was looking to Al to complete me when my completion is in Christ. I learned that and the freedom that that afforded me as a daughter of the king. 

My past poor decisions were just that, past.  Jesus sanctified me and because of that I am a new creation.  I listened to hours of Joyce Meyer telling me that I needed to get rid of stinking thinking and when memories of past choices would haunt me, and attempt to make me feel insecure, I’d replace them with the truth; that I was/am forgiven. That gave me confidence.  If Al would have told me what I’d wanted to hear, I’d have received a Band-Aid to cover my wounds. Instead he pointed me to the Healer and I didn’t need a Band-Aid anymore.  (Luckily, when it came time to deliver my children, Al did say what I wanted to hear: you’re doing great, I love you, good job!

Al is my second best friend, that’s why I share that. He loved me enough to tell me the truth even though it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. 

We need to be careful that as friends we’re lovingly honest with each other.  If we see our friend making a poor choice, we need to say something.  Or if a friend sees something in us that’s harmful and courageously speaks up, we need to accept their words and pray about it. 

Proverbs is full of great wisdom when it comes to relationships.  Proverbs 12:26
The righteous choose their friends carefully (or a wise man is cautious in friendship) But the way of the wicked leads them astray.

That verse was a banner in my mind when we moved down.  I knew that I’d be making friends.  In fact, I had a 3 point plan. 

1. Join the Y. I loved my Y back home.  I worked in the nursery and it was the first job that didn’t feel like work. I built many friendships there that have lasted through today (on FB).

2. Join a church.  I am fortunate that my husband loves the Lord.  Church is just as important to him.  We imprint our fellow congregants as family.  I will never have words to express just how much Grace Community UMC has meant to me.  We have been attending here about 6 years now.

  It was hard in the beginning to make connections because my kids were so small.  As soon as church was over we’d scoop them up and get out the door before they could do anything embarrassing.  I do have to share though, when we met Lori Madsen, then the Pastor’s wife, (beautiful, former Ms. North Carolina) for the first time, Harry handed her the tooth he had JUST LOST! In total Lori style, she didn’t miss a beat, smiled and was lovely.  Even with my son’s icky tooth in her hand.

But, let me get back to my third point, that was to find a Bible study.  Which, I did, at the Baxter Y.  Those Beth Moore studies helped me get my heart right after moving so far from home.  Has anyone done a Beth Moore study?  They are very intense, very Biblical and very filling to a hungry soul.

So, things were falling into place.  Our MI house finally sold, we found our home in Fort Mill and started putting roots down. 

That verse, “cautious in friendship” still echoed around in my head and heart.  I began to meet ladies in the neighborhood.  We were all pretty excited to start friendships.  A lot of our neighbors were transplants and our neighborhood was being built around us.  There wasn’t much of a set “clique” yet. 

I met all kinds of ladies. One common theme was that we were hungry for connections.  Unfortunately, not all connections are good connections.  Friendship is so personal, and when we make unwise connections, we open ourselves up for hurt and a waste of our precious time. 

It’s kinda crazy to think that at 40 years old, I am learning just as much about wise friendship choices as when I was 14.  Just yesterday, an acquaintance of mine on fb posted a “live vent” about how she’d been burned by supposed friends.  Friends that she loved like family. She called them “sales pitch” friends…people who just want you on their terms.  When you stop being able to fulfill their needs/requirements, you get dropped. 

In all honesty, that can be such an easy mindset to fall into.  I had been inviting a neighbor over, neighbor who we’ve gotten together before, so I’d count her as a friend. Things keep coming up on her end to get together so by the second cancellation, I was like “whatever, I’m done inviting." I had another friend lovingly point out that the one I was upset over had been going through some pretty tough situations and more than likely she just may not be up to it.  So, because she couldn’t make time for me, I was ready to stop initiating. 

What if God decided to stop initiating with me?  What if He gets to the end of his rope and says ,“that’s it! That’s the last time I hear her prayer.  In fact, she hasn’t prayed in 2 days…or read my Word in 3. That’s the last time I walk the lonely road with her.”  Needless to say, I will keep inviting and initiating. My door will stay open.  I will endeavor to love people where they are.  I may not be able to walk their road, but I can be open to them.

Jesus pursued people.  He went out of His way to collect his 12 disciples.  He went out of His way for the woman at the well, he went to the home of the tax collector and had dinner.  He called Zacchaeus out of the tree.  He forgave Peter when he disowned him and Thomas when he doubted.  He promises to never leave us, even unto the end of the age. 

Moving and having to rebuild a friendship network has taught me to reach out to the new person.  It’s so hard to be the new person in any group.  Try as we might to stop cliques, it’s always going to be easier to stick with our established friends and not try and make new ones. 

Some friends are only with us for a season, and that’s ok. I’m learning to love people with open hands.  To appreciate the time we have together and when life gets messy and we can’t hang out, not to take it personally.    

That’s why it’s good to have a mix of friends.  People that we pour into, people who pour into us and some we just have a good time with.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible that speaks to mentorship (people we pour ourselves into) comes from Paul in Titus 2

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to too much wine, but to teach what is good.  Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, because at times it doesn’t come naturally. (That last part is mine.)      

I love my friends.

Even when we're so

different.

Our friends are our support group.  I’m so thankful for the women that God’s placed in my life at the different seasons.  Whether for good or bad, those relationships help me in my walk.  When they get rocky, I turn to my Savior for comfort.  When they are lovely, I rejoice.  I rejoice with my sister in her victory and I offer comfort when disaster strikes.

Recently I studied in Job how not to act when a friend is in turmoil.  Because people I know have been going through some pretty heavy stuff. I chose Job because in the beginning of the book his friends are commended for dropping everything to come to his aid; but, by the end of the book they are taking turns attacking Job’s faith and accusing him of sin because they couldn’t understand why someone would have to suffer if not as punishment. I learned from their error, that the best thing to do when someone is hurting is to sit and comfort.  Don’t try and figure out why disaster struck and keep advice to a minimum. 

Back to Jobs “friends:

God commanded them in 42:7-10 to prepare an offering and that Job would then pray for them to be forgiven for not speaking what was right about God.

(God said) “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.  So now go and take 7 bulls and 7 rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves.  MY servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly.  You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.  So Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar did what the Lord told them and the Lord accepted Job’s prayer.  After Job prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.

That prayer for his friends was pivotal for Job’s restoration. Forgiveness for friends who’ve wronged us is pivotal for our relationship with Christ.

God takes unforgivness very seriously. A good verse to reference is:

Matthew 6:14-15

"For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”

But, dang. That is hard.  When we feel we’ve been wounded by a friend, whether intentionally or not, that is a deep pain. 

I had an instance where one of the friends I had made down here wound up hurting me.

Anyway, there was a political post I put up on FB.  Normally, I stay away from those posts because they just don’t end well.  I figured it was pretty neutral.  But, this friend..she went a little bonkers and said some really hurtful things, not just to me but to a family member who had also commented on the post.  (On a side note, nothing good comes from political posts. I even had an Aunt unfriend me over one.) 

Dang. That hurt.  I was mad. That’s not an emotion I usually have. Well, unless there’s milk spilled on a clean floor, or dirty socks everywhere.

I remember so well asking God how he dealt with betrayal. How did He not just blow everyone away when He was on the cross.  Seriously.  This was a real conversation/prayer I had.

In a whisper, He asked me why I felt that my hurt was bigger than His love for her. She is not a Christian. How could she learn about His love and forgivness if I couldn’t forvgive her?

Boo. I hate it when He turns things back to me.  He reminded me that He loves her just as much as He loves me.  He reminded me about 1 John 4:19-20.

WE love because He first loved us.  Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar.  For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.

It doesn’t say anything about who’s right or wrong. We forgive and we love.

Yikes.  Needless to say, I did forgive her.  That doesn’t mean we picked right back up in our friendship. It means I accepted her for where she was in life and placed a boundary around my time and my heart so I wasn’t hurt again.  That’s being wise and cautious in friendship.

Ephesians 4:2 comes to mind:

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

So, my friendship journey has been like every journey, full of ups and downs.  It helps to have a plan. It helps to be open to new people. It helps to love without condition, to comfort those who are hurting and forgive often. 

Thank you.