For the love of boys...

I received the greatest affirmation from my middle son today.  It was in a ratty envelope, mixed up in old school work.  It was a letter dated 5/20/2014…for those counting it was two weeks ago.   I almost threw it away since it didn’t look important.  That would have been a giant mistake. 

I would have missed:

Dear MOM

Thank you for taking me out of kindergarten and homeschooling me when I needed it.  MOM I thank you for all you’ve done for me. I thank (and) praise the Lord I’m with you, and that you’re my mom.  Thank you for all you’ve done.

Love your son Harry.

Needless to say I was bawling by the end of it.  This kid, this hard headed, energetic, willful, disobedient, loving, strong and sensitive bundle of boy has taught me how to fight for my children.  This period of time that he was thanking me for was when he was almost five starting kindergarten.  He had always been a handful and I will admit that when the first week of his first try at kindergarten went by without a phone call home, I was relieved.  Then it came…Mrs. Barz, this is … with the school…we need to have a meeting about Harrison.  We’re having some issues and we think it’s best that we get together to talk about it.  My heart dropped, but at the same time I was expecting it.  I don’t remember the exact wording of that conversation, or the subsequent ones..but I do remember how hard it was. 

It’s hard to go and see the teacher anyway and when they’re telling you that your son is running out of the classroom and is exhibiting a lack of control, it’s hard.  Especially, when you’re sitting there on one side of a long table with the principle and their team of interventionists staring you down from the other.  Luckily, my husband was with me, but, it’s so damn intimidating.  I know they wanted the best for him.  His teacher was so sweet and great…I just had the overwhelming feeling that they would do more to help only if I could get a diagnosis from a doctor…then he’d qualify for special help.  There was an offer to talk to the doctor.  His teacher reassured me that her son is medicated, and it has been the best for him.  

This kid wears his anxiety on the outside.  When most people are nervous and afraid, they get still and quiet.  Bless this child, he needed to move, hide and avoid.  He still gets that way at times.  It’s off putting to most people who aren’t used to all the energy.  I’ve even had well intentioned old saints make statements about his needing more discipline (spankings) and (gasp) medication.  Like that has never occurred to me, or I’m not daily involved in his care.

Long, painful, story short, I pulled him out of school right before Christmas break and kept him home with me and his baby brother.  We had reached a wall anyway.  We were unwilling to medicate and he still had issues with even a shortened school day.  Through that turmoil I discovered what it was to really stand up for my child and to stand firm for what my husband and I strongly believe about medicating his behavior. 

He started kindergarten again that next fall.  We had the same sweet teacher.  His behavior came around.  He began to learn how to engage with other children in a more structured setting.  He then went on to first grade and survived a move across the country.  We started our new school and they immediately place him in reading and math recovery.   A stint in summer school and second grade saw him growing by leaps and bounds. 

 

He just finished up fourth grade with solid B’s.  Sure, socially, he’s still challenged.  He feels things deeply and is highly sensitive.  I feel that medicating him in the beginning may have helped him sit still, but he may never have learned the tools he’s developed in the self-control department.  A lot of behavior boys outgrow naturally.  God made them to be rough and tumble; to hunt and fight. 

I am so proud of him and what he’s overcome.  This victory is his, not a pill’s.  I see the embarrassed looks of some mommy’s.  They try so hard.  We all do, mothers of high energy boys.  Yet we live in a society where we expect children to be perfect robots.  No meltdowns allowed.  I saw a bumper sticker that truly riled me up the other day: My dog is better behaved than your kid.  Well la-de-flipping-da.  If I was raising dogs, not independent leaders, you may have a point. 

I feel like, and I know it may irritate some people, that we are so removed from natural mothering that we forget what normal expectations are for our children.  A dear friend shared that her son was not given his sticker at daycare because he went to the wrong center when asked.  Oh, he’s three if you’re wondering.  At three years old they (daycare teachers) are expecting him to go to the correct center the first time when asked.  Now, I understand when you’ve got 20 three year olds running around, you need structure, but come on.  Most three year olds that I’ve known (and it’s been a lot) are squirrely.  It’s hard for them to sit still for more than 15 minutes. 

I wonder, are these daycare teachers mothers, or do they learn what to expect from a book?  I speak boy fluently.  They burp and fart.  The mud is often their friend.  They can be quite unruly by nature.  As they grow, they calm down.  Really, they do.  It takes a firm dedication to discipline, but they thrive with structure.  On the flip side, you need to make allowances for the meltdowns and meet their open defiance with the reminder of who’s the boss. 

I am so proud of whom my Harry is and even though the journey can get rocky, I wouldn’t change a thing.  I am so grateful for his letter and the fact that it wasn’t lost on him at five years old, that I was fighting for him, and loved him just where he was.  Isn’t that what we all want, someone to fight for us?